Tuesday, April 26, 2022

A New Book to Help You Navigate Red Flags and Right Fits in Love

After eleven years of marriage and ten years of coaching, I wrote a book about dating! 

I've been working on various iterations of it FOREVER. But a few years ago, I started drafting in earnest and after a fortuitous three-month break from my day job, I wrapped up the manuscript and published it on Amazon this month. The book tells my own story but weaves in a variety of journaling exercises to help you, dear reader, get clearer on your specific relationship patterns, cravings, and deal breakers. 

When I was single, people used to tell me "when you know, you know" as a means of describing what it was like to find the right match. But after many fizzled relationships, I realized the knowing was also there when—in spite of thinking I was in love—my match was all wrong. The difference was that no one talked about that kind of knowing much. 

So after a rotten breakup, I decided to dig in and understand what my gut, not my brain, was trying to communicate to me about the guys I dated. I discovered that I needed to listen to my body if I wanted real clarity on how to proceed. Checking boxes next to desired attributes wasn't enough. I needed to focus on Red Flag and Right Fit states of emotion and how those registered inside of me physically.  

Understanding how to use your own internal navigation system to move toward or away from what you do or don't want serves you in every area of your life, not just in relationships. 

The better I got at deciphering Red Flag and Right Fit feelings, the more confident and happier I became moving through the world. Trusting my gut instead of my monkey mind allowed me to stay on the path that was right for me. Ya might call it the path to wonderful...

Ultimately, this approach not only led me to my adoring husband, it led me back to myself. 

I hope this book can help you move forward more aligned with your inner knowing and more trusting of yourself. Get your copy in paperback or on Kindle now. 

Tuesday, September 18, 2018

Being New and Sucking At It

When I went through coach training 6 years ago, one of the first things we were taught was that we would never succeed if we couldn't make peace with sucking. In order to be good, we had to first embrace being bad. As a new coach, this was the last thing I wanted to do.

But the truth is that making peace with stumbling is what can help you soldier on.

If you can't be comfortable with the suck factor, you'll quit—or worse, just drive yourself crazy amidst the discomfort. This reminder ended up serving me endlessly as I cut my chops as a new coach, but as time passed and I hunkered into familiar roles where I excelled, its importance drifted out of my mind.

At the beginning of August, I started a new freelance writing job for a big tech company and the feeling of being new threw me so off balance you'd have thought I was wearing banana peel boots. I was used to being an expert—the go-to girl for smart answers. That's how I'd been operating for years at my previous job and I was so comfortable in that role.

I had forgotten how to be the new guy. 

I had forgotten how to be ok with sucking. How to treat myself—and my new job—with grace and understanding that this state of discombobulation was only temporary. Instead, my instinct was to think, "Oh man, this is so hard. It's not really fun either. It might just be a terrible fit for me!"

But that wasn't the truth. I was working with old friends, writing interesting stuff that really wasn't so hard, being paid nicely, and enjoying the flexibility to dash out to my garden in the middle of the day.

What was hard was being new. What was not fun was being new.

Until I reminded myself (with the help of my life guru ex-boss who is a total rockstar) that everything I was feeling was normal for a newbie, I felt stuck and really uncertain about my future in the new gig. But I'm learning to walk and I'm going to get better at it. Soon I'll be running and at some point I may even be back to being an expert.

Imagine if babies quit when new things felt hard or not so fun. The first time they face-planted when testing out their feet, they'd be like "Well I guess it's back to crawling for me!" How many adults would spend their time on hands and knees just because it felt more comfortable than learning how to move upright?

It all reminds me of a client I had who kept bouncing from one job to the next. The client claimed that everything was the wrong fit, but now I have to wonder if it was just the feeling of newness that felt wrong. Maybe, all along, the real key to finding the right fit was making peace with stumbling for a while.

There's power in learning to suck at something. 

And I'm so grateful I've had to relearn that firsthand.

Monday, August 20, 2018

You Matter: A Love Letter

Nearly 5 years ago, I launched a free monthly email love letter program aimed at sending kindness, encouragement, a little guidance, and a lot of love at whoever was willing to read. I hoped that it might brighten readers' days—or maybe give them a gentle and needed nudge to make change. I was awed when, each month, someone (or many) would write back to me and tell me the letter was exactly what they needed to hear that day.

I've decided to retire the letters but plan to repost many of them here for those who weren't subscribers at the time they went out. As always, I hope that maybe they'll make those who read them feel understood and adored.

____________________________________________________________

Dearest,

I was at a party recently when someone started telling a story about a baby with a minor birth defect. A question came up about it, and a friend who was sitting next to me rattled off a bunch of answers under her breath, but when I encouraged her to share them with the person who brought up the story, she shrunk like a wilting daisy.


When was the last time you hid your greatness?

It’s funny how sometimes you know you have something truly valuable to contribute but fear of judgment, or seeming like a know-it-all, or maybe just the sound of your own voice stops you dead in your tracks.

The thing is, what you have to say matters.

What you do matters. Who you are matters. Out of the 7+ billion people on this planet, you are the only one with your exact mixture of smarts, talent, insight, beauty, and wit. When you don’t share what you have to offer—when you dim your unique light—you’re doing the world a disservice.

So KNOCK IT OFF ALREADY!

Kidding. Sort of…

This world needs what you have. And your spirit needs the world to have it. You need to be yourself and use your voice, or else you’re not living what Brene Brown would call a “wholehearted” life.

Don’t sell yourself short. Don’t make yourself small. Step up and step into your power. Speak up and speak your truth. Give us all you’ve got.

And we’ll love you even more for it.


XXOO,




Tuesday, April 18, 2017

My #1 Sanity Saver for 2017

I saw a statistic on the morning news today about how a record number of Americans are currently suffering from stress, depression, and anxiety. Though I found this dismaying, I didn't find it surprising. Because, on and off, I've been one of those Americans.

Toward the end of last year, I found myself trying to stay afloat amidst waves of stress, frustration, and pessimism about the world at large. My day job was getting on my last nerve. My patience at home was as thin as ever. When I looked around myself, I saw unfinished projects, an uncertain future, an unstable country.

So when the New Year arrived, I decided to resurrect my favorite mood-altering habit: writing in a daily gratitude journal.

It was working okay, but after hearing about a new, more structured gratitude journal while listening to a podcast, my husband challenged me to up my game. He bought each of us a copy of The Five-Minute Journal and dove right into it with his signature gusto. I, on the other hand, resisted the new book. I thought my old methods were just fine—I didn't need some fancy new fill-in-the-blanks book to help me craft my practice.

Oh, how very wrong I was.

People, this book is life-changing. And I'm not being dramatic. And I'm not getting compensated in any way to say this.

The journal truly does require only 5-10 minutes of your day. A quick entry in the morning, another at the end of the night, and you're done. But the transformation it can spark has been downright remarkable to me.

My stress levels feel lower than they have in probably a year. My optimism has returned. Though the future does still seem a little shaky to me, I see so much goodness when I look around the world.

I'm not saying everything is 100% rosy all of the time. I still have blips of overwhelm and frustration, but on the whole, I feel like a different person.

Shifting my focus to look for things I appreciate—it's magic. Opening and closing each day with gratitude—total path-paver to long-term happiness. And then the book has extras like weekly challenges and inspiring quotes that just crank the positivity dial even further in the right direction.

I've now gone on to purchase this book for more than one person and recommend it to pretty much anyone who will listen. I'll have to report back on others' results because I really am astonished by my own.

If you're looking for a way to save your sanity and change your outlook, I would highly recommend giving The Five-Minute Journal a shot. After all, a little gratitude never hurt anybody.