Become the Person You Want to Be (And Stop Acting Like a Piece of Swiss Cheese)

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I was chatting with a friend last week about a longtime infatuation she had with a particularly mysterious, confident, lone-wolf-esque guy when I decided to ask her a very pointed question I'd asked myself during my own dating days.

Are you attracted to him because you want to be WITH him or because you want to be LIKE him?

She thought for a moment and then her eyes widened.

"Whoa. I think I want to be like him..."

I'm not sure exactly when I noticed this tendency within myself, but realizing it launched a bit of a breakthrough in my dating life. In my 20s and early 30s I wanted to be with someone adventurous and worldly—primarily because I thought I wasn't either of those things myself. But seeking them out sort of backfired on me. I subconsciously focused too much on that aspect and ended up with guys too far over on the "adventure" spectrum who didn't have the balance of other traits I was seeking. It was only when I was finally able to see myself as worldly and adventurous that I was able to find someone who was a perfect fit for me.

When we're attracted to someone because we want to be like them, we're walking around acting as though we're human hunks of Swiss cheese. 

Like there are holes throughout our persons. We try to fill in what we think is lacking by stuffing other people into the supposed empty spots.

I don't think this only happens in love relationships either—it can happen with friendships and even among colleagues.

And it's not to say that a situation like this will never turn into a thriving love affair or business partnership, but I would bet that if someone ran the numbers, there would be a lower likelihood for success.

A higher likelihood for success: Being attracted to someone because you want to be with them and they're like YOU. 

So how to bridge the gap (or rather, fill the cheese pockets)?

Work on becoming the person you want to be rather than hoping someone else will be your catalyst for change.

If, for example, you find yourself yearning to be with someone confident because you wish you were more confident, do things that boost your own esteem (run a lap, treat yourself to a solo dinner, take a karate class) instead of seeking out someone else out who's overflowing with self assurance.

Becoming who you want to be—stepping into the shoes of your best self—will cause people to be attracted to YOU. 

And the funny thing is, you might already BE the person you want to be but you just need to learn how to give yourself credit.

Before I left my friend, I told her that next time I see her I want a full report that she's been doing all sorts of independence- and confidence-boosting things to bring herself into alignment with her crush.

She promised she would try—and not just for the sake of the possible boyfriend. 

If she and the guy work out, I think it'll only make their relationship stronger. And if they don't, she'll have a few more reasons to stop seeing herself as a slice of Swiss.

Your Heart Holds the Keys to So Many Doors

Expecting the Flock Can Make Them Fly Your Direction

I share a story in my book, The Path to Mr. Wonderful, about a time my Mom showed me her amazing (and somewhat unintentional) manifesting skills in the area of bird attraction. Here's how it went:

My parents still live in the house where I grew up, and it seems like every time I visit, they have a new vegetable planted in the garden or a new ornament adorning the deck. It was no surprise that I noticed a bright-colored, unfamiliar bird feeder hanging from their back fence during one of my stops.

“Did you see my new finch feeder?” my mom asked.

In all my days on their property, I had never, ever seen a finch in their yard. Doves? Sure. Hummingbirds? Plenty. Finches? Not so much.

“Mom, I don’t think there are any finches around here,” I said, gazing at the unoccupied seed dispenser.

“Not yet,” she replied, “but they’ll come.”

It was as though she knew beyond a doubt that, one day, her feeder would be covered in birds.

A few weeks later, I returned for dinner and immediately detected a flurry of chirping as I wandered onto the deck. The feeder was crawling with finches.

Had my mom manifested their arrival with her positive feelings? Had her knowing outlook and invitation of food been enough to attract them right into her backyard? There’s no way to tell for sure, but the bottom line is that she got her birds.

By acting as thought her yard was already filled with finches, she had drawn them into existence. 

I've mentioned the idea of "acting as though" in a couple other posts here because it's one of the most paramount principles of manifesting. I know, it's all very Field of Dreams, "if you build it, they will come." But it works!

What would you start doing differently if you were acting as though your perfect life already existed? Would you treat yourself better? Engage in different activities? Laugh more?

Why not start with the positive feelings and joyful actions and let your dream align with YOU?

You could end up with an entire flock of fulfilled fantasies right in your backyard!

Putting Pen to Paper and Praying for Rain

I read about a really fantastic idea on Martha Beck's blog last week for creating a manifesting journal. Apparently the idea was passed to her by Master Life Coach Bridgette Boudreau who learned it from Master Coach and Manifesting Guru Jeanette Maw. It's called a Pray Rain journal and you're supposed to write in it every day as though you're already living the life you want to live. As though you've already met the guy, gotten the job, moved to the new city, attained the goal.

Fundamental manifesting: Acting as though. 

I've done some exercises like this before—but never kept a dedicated journal for it. And although I've recently written "stories" about my dream life on a mini vineyard in Santa Ynez, I've yet to find out whether that life will come to fruition.

But I do know that writing down dreams and desires does something to the Universe. 

For example, the Mr. Wonderful list I made eventually spun itself into a husband that matched it. And the countries I've journaled about wanting to visit have gotten ticked off one by one. I even had a rather magical experience when I wrote the word "Approved" on a piece of paper while I was waiting to find out if Mr. W and I had gotten our health insurance policy this year.

I was worried because I'd been denied (thanks a lot, osteopenia) back in 2005, and thought that black cloud might follow me all the way into 2012. But as I sat with the phone to my ear, listening to the hold muzak, I focused hard on the word "Approved" and how full of love and relief I would feel when I got that news.

I acted as though it was already happening. 

And when the insurance rep got on the phone, she told me exactly what I wanted to hear.

I'm going to give this whole Pray Rain journal a shot. If the pen is powerful enough to bring me a husband and health coverage, a vineyard and a lucrative life coaching career can't be too far off—right?

Careful What You "Wish" For

I can remember playing lots of games of Go Fish as a kid and triumphantly squealing, "I fished my wish!" whenever I drew my desired card from the "fishing" pile. What a feeling it was to get the card I wanted most. That phrase sticks with me to this day.

Anytime the Universe seems to deliver on what I want, I find myself thinking, "I fished my wish!"

Like last week, I was at dinner with old coworkers and I mentioned how I would love to get lots more work from Client X because I just adore them and feel comfortable writing for them. I didn't get specific. I didn't ask to have more work from them when my regular workload was more manageable. I didn't mention balance or type of work I most wanted to do. I just put the desire out there and the next thing I knew, the Universe was delivering.

Three of my contacts at Company X emailed me this week to see if I could take on assignments for them. Which, unfortunately turned out to be a little stressful as I already had a lot going on.

The Universe doesn't fill in these fantastic little details for us. It just delivers on those things where focus our attention and energy.

And sometimes, those things are exactly what we don't want.

One of the classic examples of this happening in my life was back in 2004 when I was in a dating dry spell. I don't know how many times I complained to friends, "I'm going to be single FOREVER," "I'm never going to find a BOYFRIEND," and (sorry, Mom) I'm NEVER having sex again!" That last one seemed to get uttered the most. And guess what—I didn't get any action for an entire year.

Every time I put my focus on the things I wasn't getting—even though I wanted them so badly—the Universe said, "I hear ya!" and kept delivering more of what I was "asking" for.

It was like going fishing and hooking the same old boot on my line over and over again.

Anytime I seem to forget the importance of mindful focus and specificity around what I want, I get taught the same lesson. Last week was a great reminder that I need to be more careful about what I wish for.

Is there anything you've been "asking for" lately that the Universe has delivered?

Enough is Enough

Can you fill in the blanks here?

I don't deserve _________ because I'm not _________ enough.

If you struggled with this because you absolutely know you deserve whatever occupies that first blank space, congratulations to you. You're on the path to good stuff and I kind of want to high-five you.

If you were able to come up with one, two or more answers that represent things you truly want but don't think you're "enough" to get, you're out of alignment with what you desire from the Universe. And that's all well and fine, unless you're hoping to bring those blanks into existence sooner than later.

Let's say for example that you believe you don't deserve the love of your life because your bank account isn't full enough. Chances are, you're going to prove yourself right. Your belief (or lack thereof) is a force of nature that will sync up—or align—with what it is most like...i.e. you not meeting your Mr. Wonderful.

Consider changing the scenario you've connected to the thing you want.

Miraculous things happen to normal people all the time. The possibilities in this life are endless. And lucky you, you don't need a miracle—you just need a mindset change. There is a guy out there who will love you even if your finances are a mess. In fact, maybe he's the type who totally digs planning fun, free adventures that will enable you to save money and pay off your credit card debt. The more creative you can get in the way you spin your desired scenarios, the more likely they'll be to magically occur.

You just have to believe you are enough to deserve them. 

And you are.

So why not let that mind of yours run wild until it stumbles upon the perfect situation for you where you are right now—not two years into the future when you might be "enough."

Find your enough-ness today and switch your focus from a lack to a lock that secures your alignment with your best-case scenario.

Repeat after me: I am more than enough.

Letting Go of What You Want Most

In 2005 I wanted a freelance copywriting job more than just about anything in the world (except maybe a boyfriend). I pounded the Internet and toiled and networked and whipped myself into a ball of stress and just couldn't seem to bring what I wanted to fruition. I was a failing manifester. And after 2 months of trying, I gave up.

I decided to let it go and apply for a job at a coffeehouse. I was tired of feeling stressed—I wanted to relax and have fun. So as my last hurrah I decided to spend my dwindling savings on a trip to Disneyland.

Of course, the night I came home from The Happiest Place on Earth, there were 3 messages on my answering machine all for desirable freelance writing positions.

What I wanted came to me only after I let go of it. 

I've seen this phenomenon (which isn't really a phenomenon, but rather just the way things work, I think) occur time and time again in my life. As soon as I release my grip, I get what I desire.

That's the thing about the Universe. It doesn't respond to tight grips. It doesn't respond to will. It aligns with intention. It syncs with certainty.

The space of wanting is often tethered to an underlying feeling of lack. You want something because you don't already have it. But when you focus on that want—that lack of having—you perpetuate the thing's nonexistence. You assert to the Universe that the job, love, house, salad spinner of your dreams is missing from your life. And the Universe responds with YES it IS missing from your life! You're right! It keeps giving you what you keep your attention on.

Letting go releases the energy block. It clears your slate and can open up space to (stealing a line from Eat, Pray, Love) let the Universe rush in.  

When I lost my job in the autumn of last year, I again found myself hoping I'd find a freelance copywriting position. I dreamed of working from my couch or dining room table. I pictured freedom and a change from my previous daily grind. But I also thought, "Maybe I'll wait to really even start looking until after the New Year."

There was no clenching of fists. There was no trying to force the Universe to obey me with voodoo magic. There was an idea that came and sort of went into hibernation as I worked on other projects and enjoyed my time off. And the third week of January, I received a call from a virtual marketing company who wanted me to freelance on a semi-permanent basis for them, from home.

I had let go and what I wanted had landed right in my hands.

What are you hanging onto that could be holding you back from getting what you ultimately want most?

What Are You Aligning Yourself With?

When I was a kid, I had the Top Gun game for Nintendo and the hardest task on the entire thing was when you had to hook your fighter jet up to the refueling plane.

You had to be going just the right speed and be at just the right altitude to get the fuel nozzle to align perfectly with your tank. Being a Nintendo addict at the time, I of course mastered how to do it—but it took total concentration every time.

I often think of that game when I'm daydreaming about the things I want out of life.

According to the manifesting world, in order to actually get the things I'm dreaming about, I have to align myself with them. I have to believe—and actually see—that I am worthy and capable of making the dreams reality. I have to act as though they're already in-process. This can be challenging when you have no idea how or when you're going to make something happen (like the dream of living on a vineyard).

Sometimes you just have to fake it 'til you make it. 

Whatever you're aligning your thoughts, energy, focus and self with, you'll attract toward you. It helps me to think of whatever I want as that refueling plane—I literally imagine it locking into place with me and filling me with what I need to keep on flying.

What are you aligning yourself with right now?