Become the Person You Want to Be (And Stop Acting Like a Piece of Swiss Cheese)

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I was chatting with a friend last week about a longtime infatuation she had with a particularly mysterious, confident, lone-wolf-esque guy when I decided to ask her a very pointed question I'd asked myself during my own dating days.

Are you attracted to him because you want to be WITH him or because you want to be LIKE him?

She thought for a moment and then her eyes widened.

"Whoa. I think I want to be like him..."

I'm not sure exactly when I noticed this tendency within myself, but realizing it launched a bit of a breakthrough in my dating life. In my 20s and early 30s I wanted to be with someone adventurous and worldly—primarily because I thought I wasn't either of those things myself. But seeking them out sort of backfired on me. I subconsciously focused too much on that aspect and ended up with guys too far over on the "adventure" spectrum who didn't have the balance of other traits I was seeking. It was only when I was finally able to see myself as worldly and adventurous that I was able to find someone who was a perfect fit for me.

When we're attracted to someone because we want to be like them, we're walking around acting as though we're human hunks of Swiss cheese. 

Like there are holes throughout our persons. We try to fill in what we think is lacking by stuffing other people into the supposed empty spots.

I don't think this only happens in love relationships either—it can happen with friendships and even among colleagues.

And it's not to say that a situation like this will never turn into a thriving love affair or business partnership, but I would bet that if someone ran the numbers, there would be a lower likelihood for success.

A higher likelihood for success: Being attracted to someone because you want to be with them and they're like YOU. 

So how to bridge the gap (or rather, fill the cheese pockets)?

Work on becoming the person you want to be rather than hoping someone else will be your catalyst for change.

If, for example, you find yourself yearning to be with someone confident because you wish you were more confident, do things that boost your own esteem (run a lap, treat yourself to a solo dinner, take a karate class) instead of seeking out someone else out who's overflowing with self assurance.

Becoming who you want to be—stepping into the shoes of your best self—will cause people to be attracted to YOU. 

And the funny thing is, you might already BE the person you want to be but you just need to learn how to give yourself credit.

Before I left my friend, I told her that next time I see her I want a full report that she's been doing all sorts of independence- and confidence-boosting things to bring herself into alignment with her crush.

She promised she would try—and not just for the sake of the possible boyfriend. 

If she and the guy work out, I think it'll only make their relationship stronger. And if they don't, she'll have a few more reasons to stop seeing herself as a slice of Swiss.

3 Little Questions That Can Transform Your Relationships

A couple weeks ago, I wrote a post for Mimosa Lotus about the 3 questions relationship-seekers should ask before they dive into the dating process.

1. How do I want my ideal date/mate to treat me?

2. How am I treating myself? 

3. How can I bring these two things into alignment?

(You should really go read the full post, but those give you an overview of the thinking.)

As I thought about the post later, however, I realized that these 3 questions apply to every kind of relationship—not just the dating variety.

Want your coworkers to show you respect? Consider how you're showing respect to yourself.

Wish your spouse would be more attentive to your needs? Start attending to yourself more regularly.

Want your family to be more supportive of your ambitions? Make sure you're supporting yourself with the way you think and speak.

It's easy to fall into the trap of believing that a relationship's success or failure is determined solely by how you treat the other person and the other person treats you, but one of the biggest components is how you treat yourself.

And the good news is, you have complete control over that.

20 Ways to Show Yourself Some Love

Love is in the air this week. Or at least that's what Hallmark would like us to believe. 

But I'd like to invite you to shift the focus away from the lacy, red underwear you may have purchased to wear for someone special, or the paper hearts you've promised to help your child cut and paste to make Valentine's for his or her class. I'd like you to stop and think about yourself.

How are you showing yourself love these days?

Amidst the hustle of everyday life and the stories a lot of us have on repeat in our heads (I don't have time, everyone else's needs have to come before mine, my thighs are too fat to deserve love) we lose sight of the first place love needs to start: inside ourselves.

We can't really love each other if we're not loving ourselves. 

So here's a little primer to get your love pump flowing again. It's based on a question I encountered when doing some Tony Robbins work back in the day. Tony told me to ask myself, "If I really wanted to prove to myself that I loved ME, what would I do?" It was fascinating to explore the answers. I encourage you to come up with your own answers, but here are a few I think might also work for you...

1. Replace self-criticism with self-kindness (I'm talking to you, thigh comments).
2. Buy yourself flowers. Even the cheapest bouquet at Trader Joe's feels good.
3. Wrap up in a cozy blanket or wear really soft socks or slippers.
4. Spritz your pillow with lavender spray at night to help lull you to sleep.
5. Take yourself on a date. Go see a movie, read a book at a coffee shop, visit your favorite museum, drive to a pretty spot and look at the view—whatever makes you feel loved.
6. Stand up for yourself (including TO yourself if it's you who's doing the mistreating).
7. Accept love from others without feeling like you have to go overboard to return it. Just enjoy it.
8. Treat yourself to something silly like a Hello Kitty pencil or clown ice cream sundae or a balloon animal at the farmer's market.
9. Buy a head massager. Trust me. It's life changing.
10. Do that thing that makes you feel sexy (not THAT thing...but go ahead and do that too)—wear your favorite lipstick, blow out your hair, put on heels. Allow yourself to bask in the confidence boost.
11. Congratulate yourself on a job well done. Write yourself a note about it and heap on the praise.
12. Push yourself a little—stay on the treadmill for a minute longer, speak up even if you're feeling nervous, try the recipe that seems too complicated—and then reward yourself for going further than you planned.
13. Quit comparing yourself to other people's social media feeds. No one is as perfect as their profile appears. So stop it. Go outside and do something fun.
14. Massage really yummy lotion into your hands and feet.
15. Make that doctor's or dentist's appointment. Caring for your body is a huge piece of self love.
16. Take a bubble bath or a hot shower with some nice bath gel. It may sound cliché, but it really does do the trick.
17. Allow yourself to sit in silence, with no demanding bosses, hungry kids, or stressed friends in sight. Just sit and let your body relax and breathe.
18. Say hi to yourself in the mirror. Love starts with acknowledgement.
19. Ask for what you want and need. Use your voice.
20. Let yourself daydream. No rules, no restrictions. Fantasize about Clooney or the convertible or whatever it is that floats your boat and enjoy the deliciousness of what your mind creates. You never know—it could come true. 

Wishing you lots of love this Heart Day. And hoping most of that love comes from within yourself.

The Key Ingredient in Finding New Friends, Lovers, and Jeans

Trying on clothing in a fitting room is an exercise in vulnerability.

You head in to that poorly lit little stall with a pile of jeans in your hand and a heap of uncertainty in your head, and then you strip down to nothing and stand in the reflection of your own judgment. If it's Nordstrom, there's a mirror behind you, illuminating every dimple and vein on your backside. Funny how the lights always seem to shine brighter on those spots.

You slither into the denim, unsure of whether it will mold perfectly to your curves or gape and pucker in all the wrong places. You try on one pair, two, three—finally on the fourth, you stop and stare. You like what you see. You like how you feel. It's you but maybe even better.

And you never would have figured this out if you'd only grabbed one pair from the rack. Or if you'd made a purchase without trying them on first.

The act of letting go of your defenses—stripping down to your natural self—has served you.

The fitting room isn't the only place this tactic works.

A friend and I were talking recently about how it can be difficult to make new friends when you're an adult. It can be scary to ask another ladykid if she wants to come over for a playdate. She might get one look at your collection of owl salt and pepper shakers and deem you a huge dork. Or you could open up to her about your irrational fear of the earth losing its gravitational pull and she might decide you're crazy.

She might reject you.

And wouldn't that be a good thing?

Just like the jeans, we want our friends and lovers and jobs to fit just right. We want them to hug us where it's needed. We don't want them to pull away in the spots they should be close or cling too tightly when we need breathing room.

But like the jeans, the only way to discover whether they're the right fit is to let down your guard and be vulnerable. 

And if they're the wrong size, that's okay. It doesn't mean you've failed. It just means it wasn't the right fit.

You just keep trying on others until you find the ones you want to keep.

How Are You Showing Your Love?

With Valentine's Day looming, there's a whole lot of lovey dovey flair and terms of endearment floating around in the world right now. Of course, cupid's favorite holiday is supposed to be about the love you share with another person, but I'm more concerned with how we're all showing love to ourselves.

Can you think of 5 ways you've treated yourself lovingly lately?

Being conscious of how you're doing it is key because when you love on a less-than-conscious level (like we all sometimes do) it's far too easy to express affection through things like excessive chocolate consumption, one too many glasses of wine, or the accrual of slightly terrifying credit card balances. Desperate for that feeling of self-care, we often slip into modes that seem to be all about nice treats, but really may not feel so nice in the long run.

On the flipside, we may be doing really wonderful things for ourselves but not recognizing them in the moment—thus nixing some of the positive effects of the love. Treating yourself to a bubble bath or a run on the beach or even an early bedtime can have a much greater impact when you stop and acknowledge the action as a gift you are giving yourself.

Today after slaving away on a not-so-fun writing project for many hours, I decided I wanted to give myself a break—and show myself a little love. The first place my mind went was, "A glass of Pinot at 5:00 would be fantastic." But I quickly realized that was an old standby that wasn't necessarily the best way to show myself some adoration (not that I didn't go ahead and have a glass with dinner...but that's beside the point). Instead I chose to give myself 30 free minutes to read a magazine.

And it was glorious.

In my experience, having a go-to list of things that make you feel cared for can come in handy when you're needing love the most. 

Imagine what would happen if you wrote out a list and then made it a point to do one thing on that list every week—or even every day. My guess is you'd want to buy yourself flowers for being such a loyal lovebug.

Give it a try and let me know what happens. And Happy Valentine's to you!

What's Your Latest Joy Trigger?

Last week, I posted a question on Facebook asking friends to share the small (and even weird) things that recently brought them joy. The responses ran the gamut, with joy sparkers like:

• A burping contest with my kids
• Watching teenagers put neon Post-It Notes all over a friend's car
• Reading 50 Shades of Grey
• Seeing a son's first smile
• Booking a trip that requires a visa in addition to a passport
• Watching a man in a fedora sing along to Tina Turner in his car
• A 5lb pet Chihuahua who thinks it is the bodyguard to an 85lb Golden Retriever
• Snuggles from a pet cat and insider "lingo" among family members
• Kids who only respond when called by their nicknames
• Hearing the excited voices of children when you're about to come through the door
• Listening to a dirty comedian with a glass eye
• Celebrating a family reunion with crazy costumes and wigs

My newfound joy came when I decided to perch myself on one of the retaining walls in our backyard and read for awhile. As I sat there, dangling my legs over the grass below, the late afternoon sun warming by back, I felt overcome by a sense of freedom and mild elation. For twenty whole minutes, I got to just hang out, carefree, wildly swinging my appendages like I was 9 again. It was delicious.

I've been reading the book The Joy Diet as part of my Martha Beck coaching coursework and it has further underscored the already important task of finding more joy in everyday life. Whether that means seeking a few more laughs on YouTube or DamnYouAutoCorrect between work meetings, or doing something scary or exciting to get my heart beating a little faster, or finding time to relax and dangle my feet over a wall in the backyard, it can all add up to better feelings between sunrise and sunset.

I know for me, scheduling some purposeful joy time has definitely shifted my overall mood. 

And if the Law of Attraction indeed rings true, creating space in your life for joy will only work to draw even more happiness your way.

So tell me, what would you do today if you wanted to bring more joy into your life? 

The Other Side of 'Actions Speak Louder Than Words'

I was walking through the streets of Venice (California, not Italy) with a girlfriend recently, listening to the tangled complications of one of her relationships, when I found myself repeating one of my most favorite lesson lines to her: Actions speak louder than words. 

"But doesn't saying, 'I love you' count as an action?" she asked.

Nope.

Well...sort of nope. Saying I love you is obviously a huge action for anyone to take, but it means nothing if it's not backed up by consistent, trustworthy, love-declaring behavior. Without that, it's just sound coming out the hole in someone's face.

After I left my friend, I started thinking less about the actions and words related to outward relationships and more about the ones we use in our relationships with ourselves.

Are you saying one thing and showing something else with your actions? 

For a time when I was single, I would talk about how I was totally open to dating! and ready! to meet the right guy!, but in reality, I wasn't putting myself out there to be open to ANY guys. I have friends who utter the phrase, "I know I deserve a great man," but then they settle for people who treat them subpar again and again. Whatever the scenario—professing to care about your career path but being too afraid to make a change to something you're truly passionate about or calling yourself a health nut then routinely depriving yourself of a good night's sleep or saying "I absolutely have my own best interest at heart" then putting everyone else's needs before your own—it can tell you a lot about how you're really treating yourself.

It's not just other people's actions that inform us of their true feelings for us. The actions we take to steer our own lives speak enormous truths about our own commitment to loving ourselves and finding real happiness. 

Want to change something in your life? Stop talking about it and take action!

The Starting Point of All Good Things: LOVE

It was the summer of 2007 and I was camping with Mr. RedFlags in a beautifully lush state park in Oregon. He had retreated to our tent and I was lying on my back, on top of a picnic table, staring at the sky wondering what in the world I should do.

Leave or stay in the relationship.

RedFlags and I had been together over a year at that point; the majority of the relationship spent fighting, mistrusting, questioning, knowing it was the wrong fit for both of us but ignoring our own instincts. That night he had shared yet another story from his past that I just wasn't equipped to handle. His load was too much for me to bear.

So I rested on that splintery wood and prayed to God and the Universe for an answer on how to proceed.

What came to me under the canopy of June starlight was a single word: LOVE.

I thought, "Okay, that's the answer. I have to just love him. Help him. Save him. Try to accept all of these things that my heart keeps instinctively rejecting."

So I made the decision to stay. And it was ugly. And trying to love him didn't rescue either of us from the inevitable fall we had lined up to take. 

What I know now was that the word that came to me from some otherworldly instructor that night was right, but my interpretation of it was completely wrong.

It wasn't Mr. RedFlags who I was supposed to love, it was myself. 

I'm not here to say that we should abandon the people in our lives during times of struggle or split when we feel uncomfortable. I don't think that's it at all. I do think we should give our love freely, but if we're sacrificing the love we have for ourselves in the process, it's a recipe for disaster.

You can't be happy and love anyone else if you're not madly in love with yourself. 

Not a little bit in love, MADLY. You've got to know that you are the #1 most important person ever and that you deserve the best—or else all those little doubts and self-defeating thoughts will catch up with you and wreak havoc on your relationships and your own sense of well-being.

I believe that to get everything you want from this life, you have to start from a place of love. 

Want to attract a guy who adores you? Start by adoring yourself. Want to land a job where you're challenged (in a good way) and appreciated daily? Start by knowing what an asset you are. Want to find the perfect dress for that upcoming wedding you have to attend? Focus on how much you'll love wearing it and how excited you are that it fits perfectly.

I'm sure there will be times in my future when I look back up to a night sky and ask for guidance on how to move forward, and I may get an answer like I did back in 2007. Only this time, I'll know the meaning of it may be more than I first think.

Love on.