Are You Making It Harder Than It Is?

If we all let ourselves think that running was easy, would we do it more often?

"Marriage is hard."

It wasn't the first time I'd heard that line. Many a husband, wife—and even singleton—had declared it in my presence. But when I heard it a few weeks ago, my coaching siren immediately sounded.

LIMITING BELIEF!

Is it true that marriage can be a challenge? Absolutely. When you're in locked in wed, you have to live with the person day in and day out, through your moods and theirs, making compromises to maintain peace.

But letting your focus rest on a thought about anything being hard can make it feel even more difficult.  

A couple of years ago when we moved to our current house, my husband was still working in Los Angeles, and was only able to commute up on weekends. During the week, I was all alone in a slightly dilapidated house, missing my friends and my love, writing marketing materials for tech companies by day, taking care of chronically sick pets by night. Very quickly, my mental mantra became "Living here is SO HARD." I had a litany of evidence to support my frustrated story, so it played on repeat in my head.

The crappy side effect of this way of thinking was that as soon as my brain started telling me something was hard, my body felt exhausted. The thought drained my energy and made me want to crumple to the floor and be spoon-fed chicken soup until I could be convinced life was easy again.

Thinking something is hard makes it feel even harder. Even heavier.

Finally one day, I sat down and forced myself to turn my story around. 

"Living here is easy."

I wrote it in my journal and drafted a list of dozens of reasons why it was true—maybe even truer than the crappy story about how living in my new home was hard.

Guess what? I started to feel a little better. Though my outward circumstances hadn't changed at all, the change to my inner mental state made life feel less heavy.

I shared this example with the spouse who had commented on marriage being hard, and I think something clicked.

Marriage, moving, writing marketing copy—they can all be difficult.

But can they can also be easy.

It's all a matter of where we choose to stack our decks of evidence. And the truth is, unless you're willing to do something potentially drastic to change your "hard" situation, it doesn't serve you in any way to dwell in a place of distress.

Going from feeling crappy to happy can start with a simple one-word shift in your mental playlist. Goodbye, hard. Hello, easy.

So tell me—what feels like the biggest struggle for you right now? And why is it equally true that the thing you perceive as arduous could be effortless?

Where's Your Head?

Last week, I found myself cleaning kitchen renovation mess for the zillionth time, and the next thing I knew, I was on the computer Googling "Sisyphus."

If you're not familiar with Sisyphus, he was a king in Greek mythology who thought he was more clever than Zeus. Zeus, of course, disagreed... As punishment, Sisyphus was tasked with having to roll a boulder up a hill each day—but just as he was about to reach the top, Zeus would enchant the boulder and make it roll back down. And so, Sisyphus would begin again from square one the next morning. And every morning after that.

In my mind, I was Sisyphus.

Me and my yellow rubber gloves and cleaning rags were rolling boulders up hills every dang day. I had a story in my head on repeat about how infuriating and hard and not at all fun home renovations and clean-up were.

When we tell ourselves stories like this over and over—building bulletproof thought patterns—we're actually rewiring our brains. 

We're creating neural pathways that are paved with frustration.

I don't know about you, but I'd like my brain to be filled with unicorns burping up rainbows. Not Sisyphean stories of dissatisfaction and defeat.

So how to twist the mental wiring back to something that feels better than a frustrating story? 

Seek evidence on the contrary.

For me, this meant looking for reasons why cleaning dust and dirty hand prints in the kitchen again represented wonderfulness, ease, and fun. As I tried to reframe my story, I admitted to myself that the work I was doing wasn't actually hard. I wasn't sweating or straining. I wasn't doing math... The objects I was cleaning were beautiful—marble and glass and stainless steel. I recognized that creating the end product—a glimmering new kitchen—was kind of fun after all and would be extremely enjoyable to look at when it was all done. I realized that it was really only the second time I had cleaned that particular area of the kitchen, not the zillionth. And finally, I remembered that I had asked for this. I could have chosen to keep my old kitchen, but I (and my husband) wanted to upgrade. Bed made. Lying in it.

Do you have any stories of defeat on repeat in your head right now? 

Before this, some of my old favorites were:

I'm never going to meet the right guy.
The guy for me doesn't exist.
I can't find a job that pays well.
Working for myself is difficult.
Living alone is hard.
It's going to take forever to get to where I want to be.

It was only when I consciously started seeking evidence on the contrary of those—trying to turn them around—that my actual life turned around.

Seeing starts with believing.

And belief starts with a story.

What new stories are you going to use to pave your neural pathways?

What's the Story You've Been Telling Yourself?

I was talking with a friend recently about dating when she told me she was completely over it because she didn't want to tell her story to anyone new. It wasn't that she was tired of telling the same one over and over, it was that she had decided hers was too complicated to be heard.

As a writer who's worked in advertising for the past 15 years, I know all about stories.

Stories have the power to make or break products—and people. Report things one way and you've got a sob story, say them another and you've got a tale of triumph. You get to choose. (It's not the first time I've climbed on my story soap box over here.)
 
My friend has endured a lot of tough stuff in her life, but instead of recognizing her own strengths through all of it, she's berating herself.

We're always our own worst critics, aren't we? 

The thing about casting judgment on ourselves is that when we do it, we automatically think other people are going to judge us in the same way. And so, to protect ourselves, we hide our stories.

I say, why not just rewrite them? 

Before I met my husband, I could have very easily told myself—and him—a story that went something like this:

I just came out of a doozy relationship where I got cheated on pretty badly. The guy wasn't even anywhere close to being my dream man but I'm 31 and desperate to find love and settle down. I've been in a handful of longer-term relationships and every one of them has involved breakups and makeups because I usually don't have the chutzpah to walk away when I know it's not the right fit. And the guys know it's not right, so they dump me. I was a late bloomer and am in therapy because I can't seem to fully figure out all this relationship stuff. 

Instead, I chose to go with this story:

I just came out of a tough relationship. I knew it wasn't right, but I didn't trust my intuition. Lesson learned! Being cheated on was a huge blessing in disguise. Before that, I had some long-term relationships and am still on good terms with my exes. I love to travel and hike and pretty much nothing makes me happier than making other people laugh. If I can find a guy who thinks I'm endlessly hilarious, he might just be the one for me.

Now, both of these stories could be considered equally true. But one of them makes me feel a hell of a lot better about myself than the other—and likely made my hubby feel good about me, too. So that's the one I choose to believe as being truer.

Telling your story in a way that makes you feel like crap doesn't serve anyone—especially you.

Telling it in a way that feels compassionate and empowering will allow you to keep moving out of your past and into the future you deserve.

So tell me, how can you edit the story you're telling yourself today to better serve you tomorrow?

Same Circumstances, Different Stories

I couldn't help but pair this post with a picture of the two-pronged carrot we picked
in our backyard this weekend. I bet each of those legs has a different story about growing.

I'm putting my own advice to work this week. My hubby came to visit over the weekend and when I found myself sliding into a fit of sniffles and self pity when he left, I immediately started to examine the story I was reciting in my head.

Changing your story can change your mood in a hot minute. 

Here's how mine seemed to be breaking down:

Story Option #1: My husband is working in Canada for 7+ months. This means I have to take care of two houses, two yards, two cars (we don't want any dead batteries!), incoming mail for two people, some extra outgoing bill payments, and any little disasters that creep up (like clogged sinks and broken light switches). I have to go to bed and wake up alone. I'm solo at social events. I'm sex-deprived and snuggle-starved. We'll be apart on our 2-year anniversary. I miss him every day and we still have four more months to go. Ugh.

Story Option #2: My husband is working in Canada for 7+ months. This means I get to go visit him four times in Vancouver and then see him once for a wedding in Hawaii—then again when his shoot moves to Hawaii! I talk to him throughout each day on Instant Messenger, and we're able to Skype and chat on the phone often. I have more time to focus on my own projects, and if I don't want to shave my legs for a week, no one knows but me! To make up for being apart on the actual day of our anniversary, we enjoyed two special dinner dates together this month. I miss him every day but we only have four more months to go. We're nearly halfway there!

Feel the energetic difference in those two different takes? One makes you pretty much want to lie on the couch with a security blanket and a mojito-filled sippy cup. The other makes you kind of want to high-five me, huh?

There is so much power in focusing on the positive. 

It can literally re-energize you. Both of the stories above are completely true, but when I tell myself option #2, I feel So Much Better. And isn't that what life is about? Feeling good. Feeling joyous. I choose that over the saddies any day.

But, of course, if the saddies creep in, it's important not to ignore them. 

Letting myself shed a few tears yesterday when Mr. W left was what allowed me to focus on my positive story again. I had to move through the sadness before I could get back to the joy. I think a good cry is always a good thing.

But after that cry, I'm always going to lean into the happier ending.

Do you have any two-sided stories swirling in your head right now?

Semantics Are Everything

Earlier this year, a friend of mine shared some details with me about a rather rough patch in her life. Given the circumstances, she had every right to become resentful and jaded. But her therapist illuminated a different path she could choose to take. "This doesn't have to become your sad story," the doctor said. My friend had a choice in how to frame her series of unfortunate events. She could turn woe into a tale of redemption and rebirth.

We all get to choose the way in which our stories are told. 

I think I've heard Oprah mention a few times that when things get tough, she'll ask herself, "How is this serving me?" In my Martha Beck training, I've heard master life coaches encourage people to ask themselves, "How is what's happening right now PERFECT for me?"

By flipping our roles in the stories from victims to victors—even in small capacities—we suddenly regain our power. We no longer have to carry the full weight of the irritating or downright awful situations around us because we know there is more going on between the lines. We know that we have a hand in how it'll all be told, and we can paint ourselves as warriors who have been given the gift of struggle to grow stronger. 

That hot pink framed picture above is hanging in my bathroom, and every morning when I get out of the shower (unless it's one of those days where I decide to stay in my pjs until sundown) I look at it and try to remind myself that I get to choose how the words are going to string together on these pages of my life.

Some days it's hard to get the story straight, but I'm committed to giving it a happy ending. And really, a happy all-the-way-through. I hope you are, too!

Celebrating Your Independence

In 2009, I spent six weeks visiting my Mr. Wonderful in Europe while he was working on a project outside of London. Despite the fact that we were in a relationship, the trip was a big test of my independence. While Mr. W was at work during the day, I was left to my own devices and had to quickly get used to being my own best company.

Prior to meeting Mr. W, I had gotten pretty darn good at flying solo—hiking, running, seeing movies and even buying my car with no supporter at my side. Even when I did stuff with girlfriends (like climbing Half Dome) the experiences carried a sense of self accomplishment different from what they would have if they'd taken place with a lover or spouse.

Back then, the things I did on my own enriched my character in a way that not only made me feel good about who I was but also seemed to make me more desirable to the male faction.

Be and do what you want to attract, right? A strong woman who is faithful to her sense of self will attract a strong man who is equally faithful.

But what I realized when I got deeper into dating Mr. W (and see again now as his wife) is that maintaining independent strength is always good practice. If you don't flex those muscles every now and then, they will start to atrophy.

A married friend of mine and I recently compared notes and decided that we had some natural tendencies to defer to our men when it came to certain things. Being the passenger in the car more often than not was one of our examples, and when I thought about it, the single girl inside me flew into a slight panic. I don't want to become dependent on another person! Even if it's just in the car!

The truth is, however, that independence is often just a state of mind. 

I can rely on other people and still hang on to my autonomy. It all boils down to the way I frame the story in my mind.

I don't regret that my shaky story on self-sufficiency prompted me to dine alone at a swanky Argentinian restaurant on the Thames during that 2009 trip. Even though my arms were covered in goosebumps from the river breeze, and my nose was buried in a book throughout most of my lunch, I rather enjoyed myself.

And maybe it's these instances that fuel my ability to tell myself different stories now. Even when my Mr. W is at the wheel.

Maybe our independence is a constant cycle of experiences informing self assessment informing experiences.

Kinda makes me want to take myself out to a nice solo dinner.

The Other Side of 'Actions Speak Louder Than Words'

I was walking through the streets of Venice (California, not Italy) with a girlfriend recently, listening to the tangled complications of one of her relationships, when I found myself repeating one of my most favorite lesson lines to her: Actions speak louder than words. 

"But doesn't saying, 'I love you' count as an action?" she asked.

Nope.

Well...sort of nope. Saying I love you is obviously a huge action for anyone to take, but it means nothing if it's not backed up by consistent, trustworthy, love-declaring behavior. Without that, it's just sound coming out the hole in someone's face.

After I left my friend, I started thinking less about the actions and words related to outward relationships and more about the ones we use in our relationships with ourselves.

Are you saying one thing and showing something else with your actions? 

For a time when I was single, I would talk about how I was totally open to dating! and ready! to meet the right guy!, but in reality, I wasn't putting myself out there to be open to ANY guys. I have friends who utter the phrase, "I know I deserve a great man," but then they settle for people who treat them subpar again and again. Whatever the scenario—professing to care about your career path but being too afraid to make a change to something you're truly passionate about or calling yourself a health nut then routinely depriving yourself of a good night's sleep or saying "I absolutely have my own best interest at heart" then putting everyone else's needs before your own—it can tell you a lot about how you're really treating yourself.

It's not just other people's actions that inform us of their true feelings for us. The actions we take to steer our own lives speak enormous truths about our own commitment to loving ourselves and finding real happiness. 

Want to change something in your life? Stop talking about it and take action!

February 2007: Some of the Best Money I Ever Spent

In the midst of my mess with Mr. Redflags, I decided to start seeing a therapist—at the time because I thought it would help me repair my relationship.

What it did instead was completely change the way I saw myself.

Sitting on a couch having someone point out the real way I was talking about (and to) myself was one of the most eye-opening experiences I've ever had. My doctor would catch me in a statement and say, "Listen to yourself. What you are saying here is not true."

What are you regularly saying to yourself that's not true?

One of the lies I let get me down was that I was boring and unworldly. Mr. Redflags had lived in Germany and traveled all over Europe and had tale after tale of adventure. Coupled with the memories of a childhood that didn't include air travel, my self-comparisons to Redflags made me think I was totally inadequate in the life experience department.

Completely a lie.

As my therapist pointed out, I had been to Europe twice, hitting 3 different countries. I was continually trying to plan fun outings with friends. I sought out adventure—even if it wasn't always on a grand scale. With his help, I started telling a different story about myself, inwardly and outwardly. And that helped me see me for the person I really was: someone who deserved happiness.

Going to counseling had so many benefits, it would probably take me hours to list them all. 

I am wholeheartedly convinced that every person on earth could benefit from chatting with a therapist once a week. It really does help you unravel all the tangles that have tripped you up in the past and get to the core of who you are.

If you're considering it, I highly recommend forging ahead. I truly believe it was some of the best money I've ever spent—and I don't think I'd be where I am today without it.